so I went away this weekend and had a fantastic time but no luck on getting my surge before I left and so far have yet to get a surge on the ops. So I dont know what is with that, I usually ovulate on day 12 or 13 and today is day 14. Maybe it is waiting for me to be home and have the day off so I can go in for the test.

In other news, two of my friends announced they are pregnant this weekend, one with her third and one with her second. I am excited for both of them but I'm not ready to be lapped a third time. Maybe in a few days I can write more about this. Just pray, I am trying not to let bitterness take root and be joyful in hope.

So I am due to ovulate sometime later this week/weekend which would be all fine and dandy except I am going out of town and its the weekend. So how exactly does one go in to their OB after doing the deed when a. its a Saturday or Sunday or b. you are out of town. So I am praying that I see my surge Thursday or Friday so I can skip on out of town and not put this whole thing on hold till next Month. This is precisely why I was dragging my feet about getting this infertility work up going, the whole Sex on a Schedule thing. It is hard enough for me to coordinate the rest of my life without adding my sex life into that.

Mixed Emotions

So we got the call on Monday that hubs semen analysis came back beautiful. Completely normal motility and morph and volume. I am so thankful that this was the case. I just kept praying that if something was going on that it would be with me. I don't know why it was so important to me. I guess because I knew he'd be devastated and upset and no amount of convincing would make him believe that I didn't blame him or think less of him. And if it was with him then we'd immediately be skipping a lot of steps and going straight to the hard treatments. And I was also assuming that it would be with me since I have good ole endometriosis on my side. But my blood work came back completely normal. I guess that was is an answer to prayer and a blessing but if I was going to have something come up in the search for the cause of this infertility I would have wanted it to be in this blood work stage. Maybe a nice hormone imbalance *not downplaying that at all* but something that I could take some pills or a suppository or something. But no dice. And maybe every test and every step will bring up nothing, maybe this is going to be unexplained or maybe its just going to take a really long time without there ever really being a reason. So next step is checking out the cervical mucus during ovulation and a HSG.... bring on the fun!!

Super Semen Sample Day!

So the SA appointment went well. Hubs had been adamant about securing the sample there vs at home. I tried to tell him it would be much easier at home and a lot less awkward and so on and so forth but he was so hung up on having to carry the little cup into the building and what if he got pulled over on the way there or what if it spilled. I finally convinced him to just do it at home and its a good thing I did because when we got there and saw the "collection rooms" his face was hysterical! He said there is no way he could have gone through with it if he had waited to do it there. I have no idea when we'll get the results back, anyone whose been through all this have any idea?

Hubs goes for his SA tomorrow. Cross your fingers.

So AF arrived Thursday morning right when I walked into work. I don't know why but it hit me a lot harder this month then ever before. Maybe because I had been holding on to the requisition for blood work and a semen sample and could have done it this cycle but had convinced myself to wait one more month. Convinced myself that surely God would swoop in and save the day and allow us to do this the "old fashion way" Or maybe because this month marked a point for me where it seems like its highly unlikely we will do this on our own. Or maybe because at work we had a college student come in who had gotten married in August and was now 21weeks pregnant. And for the first time ever I had a strong desire to just smack her upside the head. I'd never met the girl before in my life, she'd done nothing to me besides obnoxiously talk about how her 21yr old self had gone and gotten knocked up one month after her wedding, and how "they'd been trying." I had to keep reminding myself that she wasn't having my baby so I shouldn't care. Whatever it was I held myself together through work but lost it on the way home. I cried the whole way home, crying out to God and just feeling sorry for myself.

I had called the hub earlier on my lunch break and broke the news to him and asked him to please do me a favor and schedule his semen analysis. I told him I just wanted to get this show on the road. He wasn't home yet when I got home so I had time to pull myself together and shower and put on my best front, which wasn't much of one at all. He didn't say anything at all when he got home but right before I went to bed he pulled me into a hug and asked if I was ok and I just lost it all over again. And when I pulled away he had tears in his eyes, which absolutely killed me. He told me he knew when he married me that we might have trouble having kids and that he still wanted nothing more then to marry me. And he said he'd do it all over again even if he knew we'd never have kids. Breakin my heart!

I'm feeling a lot better about it now a few days out but I am just so sick of the up and down. It's so hard going from devastated to having hope again. Each month I tell myself not to get excited, not to get my hopes up but it's so hard not to think that maybe this month is the month.

Leaning on God

Pray for me tomorrow if you think of it. I am due for another visit from AF and am going to need the strength to deal with that dissapointment and work 72hrs in the next 6 days when all I might feel like doing is crawling in bed and pulling the covers over my head. OR to be optimistic I might not get AF and then be too busy to celebrate for the next 6 days but somehow I think I'd find a way to celebrate no matter what ;)