So AF arrived Thursday morning right when I walked into work. I don't know why but it hit me a lot harder this month then ever before. Maybe because I had been holding on to the requisition for blood work and a semen sample and could have done it this cycle but had convinced myself to wait one more month. Convinced myself that surely God would swoop in and save the day and allow us to do this the "old fashion way" Or maybe because this month marked a point for me where it seems like its highly unlikely we will do this on our own. Or maybe because at work we had a college student come in who had gotten married in August and was now 21weeks pregnant. And for the first time ever I had a strong desire to just smack her upside the head. I'd never met the girl before in my life, she'd done nothing to me besides obnoxiously talk about how her 21yr old self had gone and gotten knocked up one month after her wedding, and how "they'd been trying." I had to keep reminding myself that she wasn't having my baby so I shouldn't care. Whatever it was I held myself together through work but lost it on the way home. I cried the whole way home, crying out to God and just feeling sorry for myself.

I had called the hub earlier on my lunch break and broke the news to him and asked him to please do me a favor and schedule his semen analysis. I told him I just wanted to get this show on the road. He wasn't home yet when I got home so I had time to pull myself together and shower and put on my best front, which wasn't much of one at all. He didn't say anything at all when he got home but right before I went to bed he pulled me into a hug and asked if I was ok and I just lost it all over again. And when I pulled away he had tears in his eyes, which absolutely killed me. He told me he knew when he married me that we might have trouble having kids and that he still wanted nothing more then to marry me. And he said he'd do it all over again even if he knew we'd never have kids. Breakin my heart!

I'm feeling a lot better about it now a few days out but I am just so sick of the up and down. It's so hard going from devastated to having hope again. Each month I tell myself not to get excited, not to get my hopes up but it's so hard not to think that maybe this month is the month.

Leaning on God