Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Looking Ahead

Well I'm venturing into this whole blogging thing. I need an outlet, well one larger then my journal, and one besides my poor husband who I think if I totally disclosed would be a tad bit overwhelmed. So here I go... deep breath....

I tried to tell myself last year that having a baby would be pretty easy ( I knew this wasn't true but one can hope right?) and besides we weren't really "trying" we were just "not, not trying" (right, right) that didn't last too long but I lived under that charade for quite some time... telling myself "oh if we were REALLY trying I'm sure it would happen right away, but we're only not not-trying" I did silly things like let myself think of fun ways to tell people, how I would tell the hub or my parents or friends. Silly, stupid things like think about telling my husband on my birthday, and then it was Easter and then my mom on mothers day and then my dad on fathers day, oh maybe we'll spring the news in the fall, or be thankful for it on Thanksgiving, and then the last ditch hope was Christmas, or maybe New Years.... all the while the little seeds of doubt were creeping in that something was probably not quite right... because after all it only takes once (isnt that what they warn you in health class?) and really who am I faking we were really trying. Not crazy, stand on your head, come home in the middle of the day because I am ovulating right this second trying but track your cycle, double up on the sex, stay in bed for 15 minutes after, imagine fake pregnancy symptoms in the two week wait, pee on a stick trying.

I've been trying to stay sane, trying to cherish the time I have with hubs before a baby comes in and reeks havoc. Trying to remind myself that God's timing is perfect and that I can use this time to better myself and my relationship. Trying not to bore my oh-so-fertile friends with my sob stories... but its hard.