Living in the Moment, Trusting in the future

25 Weeks

2009-10-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

So I have been a horrible blogger, but I know this will come as a shock to some of you but being pregnant and housing this baby has not been the biggest thing going on in my life. Actually there have been times in the last 6 weeks where I forgot I was pregnant, or was too stressed and busy to think about being pregnant. Life has been really stressful lately, for reasons we don't need to get into here. But it's been a rough few weeks and I am just starting to climb out of it. So maybe this can be the start of some more regular posting.

25 weeks

How far along? 25weeks.... where in the world has the time gone!!

Total weight gain/loss: up 7lbs.... in the time since my last post I lost ALL of my hard earned 4lbs and was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. So I am pretty proud of my 7lbs since as of 23 weeks I was at 0.

Sleep: nothing like it used to be. When I'm not getting up 1-3 times a night to pee I am tossing and turning and repositioning all my pillows.

Best moment this week: My first of 4 baby showers!

Movement: A ton. John is even feeling the kicking and moving now which is so exciting.

Food cravings: I just like food.

Gender: I am leaning towards boy but who knows

Labor Signs: I had a few cramps the other night after a particularly hard day at work

Belly Button in or out? In but we are losing ground fast, it is getting awfully shallow. I really hope it doesn't become an outtie.

What I miss: sleep! And I know I am going to be missing it for a lot longer.

What I am looking forward to: I have another baby shower at the end of the month and two in November. And I am looking forward to our crib coming in another week or so.

Weekly Wisdom: I can't think of anything right now
Milestones: Past the point of viability!! Maybe only nurses think like this

19 weeks

2009-08-24T00:17:00.000-07:00

* I have been slacking, but so have you commentors :) I will try to get a picture up here soon*

How far along? 19 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: up 4lbs.... woot woot!!
Sleep: Ugh horrible, I feel like all I do is toss and turn and I can't get comfortable
Best moment this week: this is a tie between feeling Little Beans first kicks and getting a beautiful report at our anatomic scan
Movement: Started at 18 weeks with flutters and movement and then the night before our ultrasound I felt my first kicks, it was the greatest thing ever
Food cravings: nothing lately, mashed potatoes if I had to name something
Gender: I am leaning towards boy, hubs was on team girl until the us and then switched teams... we aren't finding out and stayed strong through the US when she asked us if we wanted to find out.
Labor Signs: None.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: bending over without a big bulge in the way
What I am looking forward to: Registering tomorrow!!
Weekly Wisdom: Take your pre pregnancy weight and add 30lbs and then get that number stuck in your head, it will make the weight loss less shocking
Milestones: Our baby passed the anatomical scan with flying colors, all his/her parts look great!!

2009-08-20T17:43:00.000-07:00

Big anatomical scan/us tomorrow morning, please pray! We still aren't going to find out what Little Bean is. I am just so worried about the scan tomorrow and all the things it could show. So pray for peace and for there Little Bean to be healthy and growing, updates tomorrow!

2009-08-04T14:36:00.000-07:00

I had my first comment from a stranger today!! I was buying some Christmas scrapbooking paper at AC Moore and the woman at the register said "Oh look how far ahead you are with your scrapbooking!" I said, "more like how far behind I am, I am hoping the new paper inspires me" and her response was "well it looks like soon you'll be busy with new things to scrapbook"

Not that soon lady, haha. My husband said its probably because I am so tiny everywhere else that she was gutsy enough to say something.

I had lunch today with a friend who spoiled me rotten with all kinds of baby presents!! :)

15 weeks

2009-07-31T06:38:00.000-07:00

Here I am at 15 weeks,

and just for fun here I am in the same shirt at 10 weeks.

Someone has been doing some growing!

How far along? 15 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: down 1, I really need to get a move on that
Sleep: up atleast once or twice to pee, a lot of tossing and turning and still starving by 3am
Best moment this week: Feeling like I now have a bump and not just a roll of chunk
Movement: Nothing yet
Food cravings: pudding, oreos and grilled cheese
Gender: no idea
Labor Signs: None.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: I am starting to outgrow some of my clothes
What I am looking forward to: the end of the vomiting! I was throwing up again this week, its time for that to end!
Weekly Wisdom: If you need to take a few extra breaks in the day DO IT.
Milestones: I feel like just making it to 15 week is a milestone. I am more then 1/3 there!

14 weeks

2009-07-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

So I'm a week behind, cut me some slack I'm pregnant!

The bump pretty much gets noticed and greeted everywhere we go now. I guess if you didn't know me you'd just think I was a little pudgey but everyone else is pretty over the moon about the buldge.

How far along? 14 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: down 1-2 depending on am or pm weight
Sleep: Still pretty exhausted but made it through more than 50% of my days without a single nap so I must be feeling better
Best moment this week: The ultrasound!
Movement: We saw a TON of movement on the U/S so I am sure I am in for some fun once I can start feeling it
Food cravings: nothing really stands out
Gender: no idea although an old lady from our church is convinced its a girl
Labor Signs: None.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Sleeping on my belly :(
What I am looking forward to: buying some maternity clothes, my tank tops are getting pretty short these days
Weekly Wisdom: The exhaustion never really goes away
Milestones: Making it through a whole day without a nap :)

12-13 weeks

2009-07-21T07:42:00.000-07:00

This is my 12 week picture even though I am now 14 weeks I am a little behind. And the reason being that week 13 and 14 have looked very similar to weeks 6-9. I haven't been puking but the nausea is back full force and the hip and leg pain is something fierce at night. My dr said at my last appt that it sounded like siatica (sp?) but that it was pretty early for that. I am still waiting for my second trimester surge of energy and such to come along. Right now I am still super exhausted and feel pretty much like the first trimester.

We go today for another ultrasound. The one that they rescheduled and rescheduled over a month ago. I'll let you know how that goes.

I'll do this for weeks 12 and 13 and I'll try to get a 14 wk picture up here soon

How far along? 13 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: down 2lbs
Maternity clothes? still just my bella band and this e-band I got that just goes right over your jean button and snaps, I love it!

Stretch marks? No thank goodness

Sleep: I can't get enough of it

Best moment this week: Having a random stranger ask if I'm pregnant
Movement: not yet

Food cravings:

Gender: no idea

Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In, lets hope it stays there
What I miss: Still energy.

What I am looking forward to: That second trimester burst of energy everyone keeps telling me is coming

Weekly Wisdom: Eat what sounds good

Milestones: Making it to my second trimester

How are all you other Mama's doing out there?

11 weeks

2009-06-29T16:22:00.000-07:00

How far along? 11 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: down 4lbs

Maternity clothes? no, just my bella band at times
Stretch marks? No thank goodness
Sleep: I crave it but find it to be pretty illusive. Its hard to get comfy and I'm hungry by about 2am
Best moment this week: The ultrasound although chnically that was last week

Movement: not yet
Food cravings: Cheetos, fruit.
Gender: no idea
Labor Signs: None

Belly Button in or out? In, lets hope it stays there

What I miss: Energy.
What I am looking forward to: Kissing my first trimester goodbye on Friday.
Weekly Wisdom: Milk it at work for the next 6 months because they treat you like a slave normally
Milestones: hmm, going a whole week without throwing up!!

*and can we talk about the size of that belly for a second?!? Holy cow! Why am I so big already, we know its not twins which was the obvious excuse before so what in the world?

2009-06-28T16:43:00.000-07:00

Little Bean at 10 weeks, measuring right on track.... heart rate of 177bpm!

Big Mama the day of the ultrasound.

2009-06-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

I am so bummed. They called me from the clinic yesterday and told me they needed to reschedule my ultrasound for today. They wanted to fit me in for next week but we will be out of town so the earliest they could do it was the following week (two weeks away) (because they only do the free training U/S on Thursdays). So needless to say I was really disappointed, going from thinking I was having my first U/S today to having to wait two more weeks. And I'm already waiting till 12 weeks to have the stupid thing while all the rest of the Mama's got a glimpse of their cuties at like 6 weeks.... not fair. And I had to call in a favor to get tonight off of work and now its all for nothing.

Well, they call me again today and say "oh sorry there was a scheduling error and we can't fit you in in two weeks" so now I can't go till July 21st!!!!! More then a month away. I'll be 14 weeks, and only 4-6 weeks away from finally having my first one at the Drs office. I know their free and its a free clinic so I shouldn't complain but this is the 3rd appointment time I've had to set up with them. And I had to switch with a girl at work just to get this date free, but I didn't dare try to find another time or I'd be pushed back into August.they may cancel on my yet again! And the So right now I should be holding a picture of my cute little bean but instead I'm sitting in my jammies watching a chick flick.

* Update: Hubs called another free clinic (a different organization) near where he works and talked to a lady he knows who said she can get me in Monday afternoon!! Yay for hubs. And yay for not having to wait a whole nother month to see this baby.

2009-06-15T15:56:00.000-07:00

Remember when I said to remind me that I wished I was feeling a little worse? Well shoot me in the head.... no seriously.

Right around the 7 week mark this whole pregnancy thing took a serious turn down "no fun lane" I have been absolutely miserable.... all day nausea, evil/violent puking, not sleeping, mood swings, exhaustion. And before anyone leaves me a comment about what a brat I am for complaining about my pregnancy symptoms, I absolutely agree. And there is not a day or a moment that goes by where I am not so extremely thankful to God for this blessing, I just wish there was also a moment now and then were I did not feel like I got run over by a semi.

Thus the lack of blogging, or much of anything besides working, vegging on the couch and becoming intimate with the toilet. I had my first appointment last week. The Dr said everything looked great and since they did a pregnancy test, and I have not received a phone call to say "hey moron you aren't really pregnant" I am assuming that the bun is still cookin away in there. My office doesn't do ultrasounds routinely until 18-20 weeks (which is insane) and since my insurance is, how should we say this, BALLS we have to pay for everything out of pocket so I am not really pressuring him for one any sooner but my goodness 20 weeks is an eternity. And what if I was having twins? I would find out halfway through my pregnancy? So resourceful diva that I am I will be hitting up the free pregnancy clinic this week for a sneak peek at the little bug. And I am not even going to play the unwed teen mother trick, I am going to go with my husband in tow and beam like the proud mama that I am, all the while pissing my pants with nervousness.

I think after the debut of the bug later this week the cat is going to come out of the bag. It has been so hard hiding this for so long (yes I know 9.5 weeks is not THAT long) and hard faking feeling like a human when I feel like death.

2009-05-24T00:24:00.000-07:00

So for the most part I have been feeling great. I almost wish I wasn't feeling so great so that my anxious mind could rest a little easier *remind me of this in a few weeks when my head is stuck neck deep in a toilet*

Here is what I have been feeling so far

1. I am rockin some serious bloat, as I wrote before I had this for about a week *maybe more* prior to my BFP and was one of the only indicators that I might actually be knocked up this time. I mean it's serious people. After about 5pm Mama is having to unbutton her jeans or change into sweatpants. Hubs says we better start telling people soon since I look 3 months pregnant or just stop leaving the house in the evening *isn't he sweet? :)*

2. I have to pee all the time, this started almost immediatly. I am usually up atleast once at night too which never used to happen.

3. I have had some lower abdominal cramping and lower back pain

4. The boobs just started hurting last week, its not horrible but it's definitely noticable and worse at night without a bra. And I defintely have the blue veiny mappings going on.... so hot I tell you

5. I have started to feel a little queasy, mostly when I have an empty stomach and usually my raging appetite wont let me go more then a few hours without chowing down.

Thats it for now. We have told a few of our closest friends and our immediate family but I think we will hold off on telling anyone else until after my first appointment. Oh and my boss knows.

2009-05-19T06:41:00.001-07:00

Ok so let me try to fill you in on a few details since yall have been so patient. First off thank you so much for your sweet comments, it still hasn't totally hit me that this is for real, it still seems fake.

Saturday, May 9th (the day before Mothers day) I would take a test when I woke up. I don't really know why I decided to take a test, I guess just because I knew I would want to test on Mothers day and I really didn't want to deal with the dissapointment of seeing a BFN again on Mother's day, so i thought I would get the whole horrible thing over with, feel bad for myself and then get over it... all in time to celebrate MD with my own mom. So I took a dollar store test and the control line came up pretty much right away, I figured that was that and started brushing my teeth, but when I looked over again there was a very faint pink line. It was definitely there ( I mean I saw it out of the corner of my eye) but it wasn't glaringly positive. So I took it downstairs to show the man and he said he wasn't very convinced. I told him I thought any kind of line was a good sign but I told him I'd probably just try again in a day or so. And then we went the rest of the day without another word about it (can you believe that?!?!) But all of you profecient POS people know you can't just stop the urge especially when you think you saw a faint line. So I jumped to the bigger guns and peed on an EPT right before I went to work (I was working the night shift) and sure enough those two beautiful pink lines came up right away!!! I could not believe it. I ran downstairs and told the skeptical man that it was time to get excited!!

The whole thing was so surreal and so lame since I had to go to work for 13hrs 1o minutes after finding out that I was finally going to be a mom but thats life right. I mean after you've been trying forever you kind of know you aren't going to have the magic cute scenario of surprising your husband with the big news. So we laughed and hugged and carried on and then I went to work! haha

I'll tell you how we told everyone next time, for now I have to go stuff my face, something that I do about every 2hrs now :)

2009-05-13T08:17:00.000-07:00

Sorry to leave you all hanging... me and my bloated self will be back to post the whole story soon I promise. Thanks for all the congrats. Keep praying for me and the little bean. Like a lot of you have mentioned the worry doesn't end when you finally get knocked up. The enemy is trying hard to steal my joy and replace it with worrying.

We bought the bibs

2009-05-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

This time last year

2009-05-07T15:04:00.000-07:00

This time last year I was waiting for my period to come and thinking how fun it would be to be able to tell my parents we were pregnant on Mothers Day (haven't we all been there?) what a great present that would be. Last year on Mothers day I took a pregnancy test and it was negative, I then proceeded to be 5 days late and then AF had the decency to show her ugly face. This Mothers Day I am due to get my period, that day.... sometimes life is cruel. And I don't know which would be worse, if she shows on Mothers Day or she shows late. Because I dont think I can go the whole day waiting and hoping and dreaming only for her to show on Monday. But I just don't know if on Mothers day of all days I have the strength and energy to deal with another failed month.

Or maybe I'll have to go out and buy that "I love my Grandma" bib after all.... I am rocking some serious bloat

2009-04-19T00:36:00.000-07:00

The HSG went great, well as great as those things can go I guess. It really wasn't bad at all, not nearly as bad as I had thought it might be or I had read it might be. The worst part was getting the speculum in place and the catheter inserted. The test showed nice clear tubes and a perfectly fine uterus! There is no way to tell if my tubes were previously blocked and the pressure of the dye unblocked them or if they have always been clear but whichever they are open for business now! I am hoping maybe they were blocked and this was the key. I have had some mild cramping over the last day or so and some discharge but otherwise I'd say the HSG was a walk in the park.

In other news I got the bill for my bloodwork.... $350!! I had a minor freak out and am trying not to worry about it until I call them on Monday, there has to be some mistake, can that really be true? Dear Lord I hope not. If thats how much two tubes of blood cost what in the word is my HSG going to cost. We are going to be so broke. But my dear calm husband said "don't worry about it, if you get pregnant after this will it be worth it?" to which I said "of course" but how about we get pregnant and have some money left over? No? It doesn't work that way? So please pray it was an oops on the insurance companies part, oh and while you're talking to the big guy how about a little bit of love for my uterus this month.

HSG

2009-04-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

So after a big time fiasco I am going in for my HSG tomorrow. Despite all the headache (more about that in a minute) it is ending up working out perfectly, I was able to get someone to cover the last part of my shift for me and the appointment is right in the same building and I'll have the evening and part of the morning on Saturday to recover should it be painful. I have heard mixed reviews on the amount of crampiness and the duration of the discomfort but I am figuring I have got to have had periods that were worse then it will be.

So day 27, otherwise known as the day I have been getting my period on for the last oh I don't know 8 months in a row was on Sunday. This put me in line to have the HSG somewhere between Thursday and Monday (which kind of stinks since two of those days fall on the weekend) Monday was out because I had to work all day and could not find anyone to switch with me, so that left Thursday and Friday. Well Sunday my period did not come, good news when you are TTC bad news when you get a BFN. So I was frustrated since then that took Thursday out of the running and I am going out of town on Tuesday so that only left Friday IF I got my period Monday. Well you probably see where this is going, Monday comes and still no sign of AF. I am starting to panic thinking I am not going to get in for the test before I have to go out of town and another month would be wasted. So Monday afternoon I get a little spotting and think "oh good it should be here any minute" and I call to schedule the HSG telling the lady that today was day 1, she goes ahead and schedules me for Friday (which works great) well then I don't end up getting my period and no more spotting. Tuesday- nothing. So by lunch time Tuesday I am starting to really panic thinking 1. I am not going to be able to do the test and 2. I am going to have to call and tell the lady I tried to be sneaky to get in on time and it totally back fired or 3. by some miracle I really am pregnant and won't even need the test (by far the most appealing of the three) but Tuesday afternoon AF finally showed. So technically tomorrow is day 4 and the test is supposed to be between day 5 and 10 but that's really only to make sure you aren't pregnant and you haven't ovulated and I am covered on all accounts. Plus I am already done bleeding so I am not even going to tell them about it. Wish me luck!!

2009-04-09T14:30:00.001-07:00

Yesterday my uterus was compared to a scene from an old western movie with the tumbleweed blowing through the deserted town. I cannot even pretend to be offended when that is just so darn hilarious.

2009-04-06T00:52:00.001-07:00

In th homestretch of the 2ww. AF is due on Sunday. I am trying to take my thoughts captive and not let my mind and hopes run away from me

2009-04-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated. I went to schedule my post coital test earlier this week when I thought I was getting a surge and apparently my Dr failed to mention all of the instructions when he was on the phone with me a few weeks ago. Apparently you need to abstain for at least three days prior to the test. What self respecting infertile woman is abstaining from knocking uglies around they time they ovulate?!?? Not me so of course when the woman went through the pre-procedure checklist I totally failed when she said "and you haven't had sex in the last three days right?" and I said "umm if you don't count last night!" haha! She was the sweetest lady I have ever talked to at my Drs office, so sweet and helpful in fact that I might request her every time I call there! No seriously I just might. She was so apologetic and seemed genuinely sorry that my Dr is such a not into details guy. Don't get me wrong I love him to pieces and I know he will feel bad when he realizes but honestly he just is not a details guy. So the lady sent me a copy of the instructions for that and the HSG that I am going to have in two weeks. The thing that stinks is next month I am going to be out of town during ovulation again, and for a longer time so I really don't think there is any chance of getting in for this test until at least May. This is exactly what I was dreading about starting this whole infertility workup. Life is just too busy for shenanigans like this!

2009-03-30T10:30:00.001-07:00

so I went away this weekend and had a fantastic time but no luck on getting my surge before I left and so far have yet to get a surge on the ops. So I dont know what is with that, I usually ovulate on day 12 or 13 and today is day 14. Maybe it is waiting for me to be home and have the day off so I can go in for the test.

In other news, two of my friends announced they are pregnant this weekend, one with her third and one with her second. I am excited for both of them but I'm not ready to be lapped a third time. Maybe in a few days I can write more about this. Just pray, I am trying not to let bitterness take root and be joyful in hope.

2009-03-24T02:04:00.000-07:00

So I am due to ovulate sometime later this week/weekend which would be all fine and dandy except I am going out of town and its the weekend. So how exactly does one go in to their OB after doing the deed when a. its a Saturday or Sunday or b. you are out of town. So I am praying that I see my surge Thursday or Friday so I can skip on out of town and not put this whole thing on hold till next Month. This is precisely why I was dragging my feet about getting this infertility work up going, the whole Sex on a Schedule thing. It is hard enough for me to coordinate the rest of my life without adding my sex life into that.

Mixed Emotions

2009-03-19T18:43:00.000-07:00

So we got the call on Monday that hubs semen analysis came back beautiful. Completely normal motility and morph and volume. I am so thankful that this was the case. I just kept praying that if something was going on that it would be with me. I don't know why it was so important to me. I guess because I knew he'd be devastated and upset and no amount of convincing would make him believe that I didn't blame him or think less of him. And if it was with him then we'd immediately be skipping a lot of steps and going straight to the hard treatments. And I was also assuming that it would be with me since I have good ole endometriosis on my side. But my blood work came back completely normal. I guess that was is an answer to prayer and a blessing but if I was going to have something come up in the search for the cause of this infertility I would have wanted it to be in this blood work stage. Maybe a nice hormone imbalance *not downplaying that at all* but something that I could take some pills or a suppository or something. But no dice. And maybe every test and every step will bring up nothing, maybe this is going to be unexplained or maybe its just going to take a really long time without there ever really being a reason. So next step is checking out the cervical mucus during ovulation and a HSG.... bring on the fun!!

Super Semen Sample Day!

2009-03-12T10:32:00.001-07:00

So the SA appointment went well. Hubs had been adamant about securing the sample there vs at home. I tried to tell him it would be much easier at home and a lot less awkward and so on and so forth but he was so hung up on having to carry the little cup into the building and what if he got pulled over on the way there or what if it spilled. I finally convinced him to just do it at home and its a good thing I did because when we got there and saw the "collection rooms" his face was hysterical! He said there is no way he could have gone through with it if he had waited to do it there. I have no idea when we'll get the results back, anyone whose been through all this have any idea?

2009-03-05T11:13:00.001-08:00

Hubs goes for his SA tomorrow. Cross your fingers.

2009-02-23T00:59:00.000-08:00

So AF arrived Thursday morning right when I walked into work. I don't know why but it hit me a lot harder this month then ever before. Maybe because I had been holding on to the requisition for blood work and a semen sample and could have done it this cycle but had convinced myself to wait one more month. Convinced myself that surely God would swoop in and save the day and allow us to do this the "old fashion way" Or maybe because this month marked a point for me where it seems like its highly unlikely we will do this on our own. Or maybe because at work we had a college student come in who had gotten married in August and was now 21weeks pregnant. And for the first time ever I had a strong desire to just smack her upside the head. I'd never met the girl before in my life, she'd done nothing to me besides obnoxiously talk about how her 21yr old self had gone and gotten knocked up one month after her wedding, and how "they'd been trying." I had to keep reminding myself that she wasn't having my baby so I shouldn't care. Whatever it was I held myself together through work but lost it on the way home. I cried the whole way home, crying out to God and just feeling sorry for myself.

I had called the hub earlier on my lunch break and broke the news to him and asked him to please do me a favor and schedule his semen analysis. I told him I just wanted to get this show on the road. He wasn't home yet when I got home so I had time to pull myself together and shower and put on my best front, which wasn't much of one at all. He didn't say anything at all when he got home but right before I went to bed he pulled me into a hug and asked if I was ok and I just lost it all over again. And when I pulled away he had tears in his eyes, which absolutely killed me. He told me he knew when he married me that we might have trouble having kids and that he still wanted nothing more then to marry me. And he said he'd do it all over again even if he knew we'd never have kids. Breakin my heart!

I'm feeling a lot better about it now a few days out but I am just so sick of the up and down. It's so hard going from devastated to having hope again. Each month I tell myself not to get excited, not to get my hopes up but it's so hard not to think that maybe this month is the month.

Leaning on God

2009-02-18T14:15:00.000-08:00

Pray for me tomorrow if you think of it. I am due for another visit from AF and am going to need the strength to deal with that dissapointment and work 72hrs in the next 6 days when all I might feel like doing is crawling in bed and pulling the covers over my head. OR to be optimistic I might not get AF and then be too busy to celebrate for the next 6 days but somehow I think I'd find a way to celebrate no matter what ;)

Babyless V-day

2009-02-14T15:04:00.000-08:00

Next year I'd like to look back at this year and think "wow, remember when we could go out on Valentines day and didn't have a screaming infant at home who took up our whole life" next year I want to worry about finding a babysitter and not staying up too late and think twice about a glass of wine with dinner because I'm breastfeeding. Won't you all join me next year for a Valentines day + a baby? You're all invited :)

2009-02-05T16:29:00.001-08:00

So I feel like I've been uninspired to write lately. When I'm not in the midst of the two week wait insanity I feel like there is nothing new to report. I feel like God is really calling me to wait on Him and be patient in this next step. I have really felt a push to give up the craziness this month, He has asked me to lay it down and I am daily struggling to do that. I have been asking Him to gaurd my heart and my mind and to take my thoughts captive. You know how easy it is for our thoughts to run away from us. I know this is going to be harder as I approach the TWW but God has given me this challenge for this month and I want to stick with it, I want to trust that He will give me more hope and grace then I could ever find on my own.

2009-01-24T18:20:00.000-08:00

Well that dirty skank hoe AF showed up in the middle of the night last night. Unbelievable! I hate her stinkin guts

2009-01-23T14:45:00.001-08:00

So here I am 14 dpo and so confused. I've continued to spot just a tiny bit everyday since Tuesday and then today almost nothing. Yesterday afternoon the nausea hit me and by bedtime I was throwing up.Today I feel nauseous and exhausted but haven't thrown up. I took a test this morning and it was negative. I left it on the counter and went to make breakfast and when I came back it was postive. Now I know the results are no good after 10 minutes so I'm not counting it but I've never had one turn postive before. I am trying to exhibit some self control for once and not go out and buy more right this minute. Which means I'll probably last another 5 minutes. HELP!

A little 12dpo fun

2009-01-20T23:40:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I started with some lower abdominal cramping and tonight I had a small amount of spotting, just a tiny streak of brown (you know you wanted to know) AF is due to arrive Saturday. I'm not falling for it, I'd love to think its implantation bleeding, I might even play that one up in my mind for oh about 5 minutes but I also know that its more then likely just a trick and my 2ww insanity. Maybe I'll test on Friday just for fun, but then AF is sure to come once I've wasted the money for the stupid test.... oh but I do have that free one from my OPK :)

Prayer

2009-01-17T06:10:00.001-08:00

I know that the two of you who read this probably already know about Kelly and her whole situation but please be in prayer over the next few weeks and days. I cannot imagine the worry and fear that is trying to take over her, I pray that God would bring His peace. She has been such an inspiration to so many of us and such a prayer warrior. Let's all return the favor and cover her and sweet Harper and Scott.

Heavy Hearted

2009-01-15T11:17:00.000-08:00

Please be in prayer, my bestfriend just found out she had a miscarriage. She was not very far along but like a lot of you know that doesn't change the pain and the grief. I am heartbroken for her as both of us had been eachothers prayer warriors in this area. Please pray for her and for her husband. Thanks!

2009-01-09T14:20:00.000-08:00

This morning I aced my ovulation test...haha. I got two nice blue lines on that baby. And I know its just an ovulation predictor but dang it feels good to see two lines. So good that I left it on the counter for awhile just to glance over at it every now and then while I got ready. And I tried to think that maybe this will be the two line month!

Thats all, thought all two of you might want to celebrate with me and my ovaries:)

Not Falling For It

2009-01-06T16:58:00.000-08:00

I love how ovulation predictor kits come with that token pregnancy test that they just throw in just for kicks. Like "hey we are so sure you're going to get knocked up this month using these sticks that we'll throw in a complimentary pregnancy test" Well I'm not falling for it. All I need is one more pregnancy test laying around just begging me to pee on it. I'm not using it until I'm good and late and honestly what are the chances of that happening? My good old loving AF has been coming earlier and earlier these days, maybe this is God's way of keeping me sane during the two week wait.

Does anyone else try to trick themselves into actually being pregnant by telling yourself all month that "you just don't think this is the month" ? No just me?

Looking Ahead

2008-12-30T23:06:00.000-08:00

Well I'm venturing into this whole blogging thing. I need an outlet, well one larger then my journal, and one besides my poor husband who I think if I totally disclosed would be a tad bit overwhelmed. So here I go... deep breath....

I tried to tell myself last year that having a baby would be pretty easy ( I knew this wasn't true but one can hope right?) and besides we weren't really "trying" we were just "not, not trying" (right, right) that didn't last too long but I lived under that charade for quite some time... telling myself "oh if we were REALLY trying I'm sure it would happen right away, but we're only not not-trying" I did silly things like let myself think of fun ways to tell people, how I would tell the hub or my parents or friends. Silly, stupid things like think about telling my husband on my birthday, and then it was Easter and then my mom on mothers day and then my dad on fathers day, oh maybe we'll spring the news in the fall, or be thankful for it on Thanksgiving, and then the last ditch hope was Christmas, or maybe New Years.... all the while the little seeds of doubt were creeping in that something was probably not quite right... because after all it only takes once (isnt that what they warn you in health class?) and really who am I faking we were really trying. Not crazy, stand on your head, come home in the middle of the day because I am ovulating right this second trying but track your cycle, double up on the sex, stay in bed for 15 minutes after, imagine fake pregnancy symptoms in the two week wait, pee on a stick trying.

I've been trying to stay sane, trying to cherish the time I have with hubs before a baby comes in and reeks havoc. Trying to remind myself that God's timing is perfect and that I can use this time to better myself and my relationship. Trying not to bore my oh-so-fertile friends with my sob stories... but its hard.